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The Plastics of Justice or, You Can’t Sit With Us (Unless You Were Pardoned)

THE PLASTICS OF JUSTICE — A Heathers/Mean Girls Adaptation

The Plastics of Justice

or, “You Can’t Sit With Us (Unless You Were Pardoned)”
A Mean Girls / Heathers Treatment of the House Judiciary Committee Hearing, February 11, 2026
“On Wednesdays we wear impunity.” — Regina George, if Regina George had subpoena power and a contempt for oversight
Casting Note: This adaptation maps the actual hearing dynamics onto the social architecture of a high school, because the dynamics are identical: a queen bee who controls the room through charm and cruelty in equal measure, a clique that exists solely to validate her, a principal who only enforces rules against the kids who aren’t popular, and a group of students who keep asking straightforward questions and getting called dramatic for it. The survivors of Jeffrey Epstein’s trafficking ring are played by the kids who sit at no table — the ones everyone can see but nobody talks to.
🗺️ The Cafeteria Seating Chart (a.k.a. The Committee Room)
THE PLASTICS’ TABLE (Center, best lighting): REGINA (The Attorney General), flanked by GRETCHEN (The Chairman) and KAREN (assorted Majority Members who use their five minutes to compliment Regina’s hair)

THE ART FREAKS’ TABLE (Left side, always out of time): JANIS (The Gentlewoman from Washington), DAMIAN (The Elder Statesman from New York), CADY (The Former Prosecutor from California), MS. NORBURY (The Coloradan who keeps trying to teach the class)

THE TABLE THAT DOESN’T EXIST (Directly behind Regina, invisible to her): The Survivors. They’ve been sitting there all year. Regina has never turned around.

Scene 1

“She Doesn’t Even Go Here”
Morning. The cafeteria. GRETCHEN is standing at the front, delivering announcements. He has been talking for eight minutes about how great Regina is, how unsafe the school was before she arrived, and how the previous student body president let bad people into the building. He mentions a specific bad person by name, shows his arrest record on the projector, and explains — in detail — how the old administration couldn’t figure out who put cocaine in the teachers’ lounge.

GRETCHEN (THE CHAIRMAN)

What a difference a year makes. What a DIFFERENCE. A year. Makes. Murders down twenty percent. DC violent crime down twenty-eight percent. Eight thousand arrests. Eight hundred guns. Sixteen missing kids found. Six of the top ten most wanted — got ’em. And she arrested a narco-terrorist. She is like, SO brave. (He is trying so hard to make “fetch” happen. Fetch is never going to happen.)
REGINA enters. She is lit perfectly. She always is. She sits down at the center of the table — the seat with the best sightlines, the warmest light, the microphone that never gets cut off. She adjusts her water glass. Behind her, THE SURVIVORS settle into their chairs. REGINA does not notice them. She will never notice them.
Merrick Garland
“Sat in this chair TWICE and nobody asked him about Epstein. Made fetch happen for four years and NOBODY SAID ANYTHING. Pathetic.”

— Regina brings him up approximately every 90 seconds for the next six hours. He is not here. He has not been here for over a year. It does not matter. He is her Voldemort and her alibi simultaneously.

Scene 2

“Why Are You So Obsessed With Me?”
JANIS approaches the Plastics’ table. She has five minutes. Her timer starts the moment she opens her mouth. REGINA’s timer is more of a suggestion.

JANIS (THE GENTLEWOMAN FROM WASHINGTON)

The survivors of Jeffrey Epstein’s trafficking ring are sitting right behind you. Your department fired the lead prosecutor. You sat on evidence for a year. You claimed there were no more leads. Will you turn to them and apologize?
Silence. Everyone in the cafeteria can see THE SURVIVORS. They are right there. Three feet away. REGINA does not turn around. She does something much more devastating: she smiles.

REGINA (THE ATTORNEY GENERAL)

(The smile of someone who has just been asked if she’s wearing real diamonds:) Congresswoman, you sat before Merrick Garland in this chair. Twice.

JANIS

I’m reclaiming my time—

REGINA

Mr. Chairman, didn’t she ask Merrick Garland this? Twice?

JANIS

This is not about anybody who came before you. It is about YOU—

REGINA

(Turning to Gretchen, not to the survivors, never to the survivors:) I’m not going to get in the gutter for her theatrics.
This is the line. This is the “She doesn’t even go here” moment, except it’s directed at an elected member of Congress asking on behalf of trafficking survivors sitting close enough to touch. GRETCHEN immediately backs her up.

GRETCHEN (THE CHAIRMAN)

The gentle lady has seventeen seconds.

JANIS

What a massive cover-up—

REGINA

I’m answering the question!

JANIS

Stop the time — she’s doing theatrics — let me have my time—

GRETCHEN

The gentle lady has seventeen seconds. You can proceed with your final seventeen seconds.
Seventeen seconds. That’s what you get for asking the Attorney General of the United States to look at the people she’s failing. Seventeen seconds, and most of them already eaten by the answer to the question she didn’t ask.
The Gentlewoman from Washington
“SUCH a drama queen. Tried to make me turn around and look at people. In the CAFETERIA. During MY time. Her theatrics are so last season.”

Scene 3

“Get In, Loser, We’re Avoiding Questions”
DAMIAN, who has been in this school longer than most of the teachers, approaches the table. He has spent four minutes laying out context — the fired prosecutor, the sat-on evidence, the false claim of no leads, the act of Congress required to force the release. He gets to his question.

DAMIAN (THE ELDER STATESMAN)

How many of Epstein’s co-conspirators have you indicted?

REGINA

Excuse me. I’m going to answer the question.

DAMIAN

Answer MY question—

REGINA

No. I’m going to answer the question the way I WANT to answer the question. Your theatrics are—

DAMIAN

Ask the question the way I asked it—

REGINA

(With the calm superiority of someone who knows the principal will always take her side:) Chairman Jordan, I’m not going to get in the gutter with these people. I’m going to answer the question.
She does not answer the question. Instead, she begins talking about the impeachment of Donald Trump. GRETCHEN lets her talk. When another member objects — “You can let her filibuster all day long but not on our watch, not on our time, no way. We saw what you did in the Senate” — GRETCHEN gives DAMIAN “a few more seconds” in the tone of a teacher giving detention.

DAMIAN

(The weariness of a man who has been doing this for decades:) The answer to my question — how many of Epstein’s co-conspirators has she indicted — is zero. You have been the Attorney General for a whole year. Your DOJ fired the lead prosecutor. Sat on evidence. Claimed there were no more leads. It took an act of Congress for you to do anything at all.
The Elder Statesman
“He asked a FOUR MINUTE QUESTION. That’s not a question, that’s a MONOLOGUE. And then he gets mad when I give a four-minute answer? He’s one of the leads on impeachment. He should be APOLOGIZING.”

— The question was seven words: “How many co-conspirators have you indicted?” The answer was zero. The four minutes were context for why zero is a problem.

Scene 4

“That’s So Fetch” (The Sycophancy Hour)
KAREN — one of several interchangeable Majority Members — takes the microphone. He will not ask a question. He will deliver a five-minute Yelp review of REGINA. She settles in like a cat in a sunbeam. This is her favorite part.

KAREN (MAJORITY MEMBER FROM TEXAS)

They tried to impeach him twice. They sure did. And you, Mr. Nadler, were one of the leads on the impeachment! Have you apologized to President Trump? Have you APOLOGIZED? All of you who participated in those impeachment hearings, you all should be apologizing. (He turns to face the minority side as if they personally broke into his locker.) The American people need to know: all they want to do is talk about Epstein. Donald Trump — the Dow — the Dow right now is over fifty thousand dollars. I don’t know why you’re laughing. You’re a great stock trader, as I hear, Raskin. The S&P at almost seven thousand. The NASDAQ is smashing records!
He has pivoted from Epstein to the stock market in one breath. He has accused a member of Congress of being a “great stock trader” as an insult. He is doing whatever the opposite of “staying on topic” is, and GRETCHEN is beaming.

REGINA

(Having just been handed five minutes of pure validation:) Thank you, Congressman.
She speaks, uninterrupted, for the remainder of his time. No one reclaims anything. No one is told their time has expired. THE CLOCK, for once, seems embarrassed.
THE PLASTICS’ GROUP CHAT
omg you’re doing SO amazing today 💕
the way you said “theatrics” i literally screamed
have you apologized to President Trump??? 💀💀💀
He is the most transparent president in the nation’s history
SO transparent
the most transparent
And he’s a hypocrite because he voted against the ban on deep fake AI porn. Only two people voted against it
DRAG HIM 👑

Scene 5

“I’m Not a Regular Attorney General, I’m a Cool Attorney General”
CADY approaches the table. She’s a former prosecutor. She is holding two printed emails from the Epstein files. One describes a “Russian civilian” who is “fun.” The other is about a Ukrainian girl who was “a little freaked out by the age difference,” followed by the instruction: “I don’t like records of these conversations.” CADY thinks these are the kind of documents that lead to investigations. REGINA thinks they are the kind of documents that lead to longer answers.

CADY (THE FORMER PROSECUTOR)

I’d like to ask a straightforward question. Yes or no. Do these emails constitute credible evidence — not proof, but credible evidence — warranting further investigation?

REGINA

(The particular smile of a person who has decided that “yes or no” is a genre she does not perform in:) I’m not going to play a yes-no game with you. But I WILL answer the question to the best of my ability. As I said, we will look and investigate any case involving any victim. There were three million pages of course—

CADY

I only have five minutes—

REGINA

And I only have thirty seconds, based on your filibuster.
Your filibuster. The questioner asked a two-sentence question. REGINA has just accused her of filibustering. This is the Mean Girls equivalent of bumping into someone in the hallway and then telling the principal they shoved you.

CADY

You didn’t give a yes, so let me go further. Director Patel testified in this committee room that there was no credible information indicating that Epstein trafficked victims to anyone else. I went to the Department of Justice yesterday — four hundred and thirty-five members of the House and there are four computers. It would take months to have time. I only had a few hours.
Four computers. For four hundred and thirty-five members of Congress. To review three million pages. From the most transparent administration in history. This is the school making the library available for research but locking three of the four doors and closing at lunch.

Scene 6

“You Can’t Sit With Us (Unless You Were Pardoned)”
MS. NORBURY, who has been trying to teach this class all year, plays body camera footage on the screen. A man is screaming at police officers. The caption reads “KILL HIM.”

MS. NORBURY (THE COLORADAN)

Attorney General Bondi. That man works for you now. His name is Jared Wise. A federal grand jury indicted him for two felonies and four misdemeanors. One charge was forcibly assaulting, resisting, opposing, impeding, intimidating, and interfering with police officers. You hired him at the Department of Justice.

REGINA

(With the serene detachment of someone explaining that the new girl at the lunch table used to be homeschooled, so it’s fine:) I believe he was pardoned by President Trump.

MS. NORBURY

Oh, he was pardoned. You’re right. Pardoned for yelling “kill him” at police officers. And you expect hardworking police officers across the country to believe you take law enforcement seriously.
REGINA does not respond to this. Instead, she attempts to reclaim MS. NORBURY’s time, which is not hers to reclaim, because she is the witness and not a member of Congress. GRETCHEN has to explain this. It does not stick. She then pivots to her signature move.

MS. NORBURY

When you started as Attorney General, there were thirty-five people in the Public Integrity Section. There are now two. How many people work for the National Cryptocurrency Enforcement Team?

REGINA

Can I answer the question about PIN?

MS. NORBURY

I’ve asked you a question—

REGINA

(The pivot so sharp it could cut glass:) I understand why you don’t want to talk about Common Solomon in your district. Who murdered people.
MS. NORBURY asked about cryptocurrency enforcement staffing. REGINA has responded by bringing up a murder in his district. This is the nuclear option of high school debate: you ask me about my homework, I bring up your parents’ divorce. It has nothing to do with anything. It works every time.
The Coloradan
“Asked me about staffing levels like I’m some kind of SECRETARY. (Secretary?? I’m Attorney General!! ‘My apologies, I couldn’t tell.’ RUDE.) Anyway his district is full of murderers so who’s the REAL problem here??”

— Note: The “Secretary / I’m Attorney General / My apologies, I couldn’t tell” exchange really happened — captured in the C-SPAN transcript, though the auto-transcription merged the speakers. A member called her “Secretary” by accident, she corrected him, and he replied: “My apologies. I couldn’t tell.” Same member, moments before: “Shame on you.” Her response: “Oh, for goodness sakes. This is pathetic.” This is the congressional equivalent of “Nice wig, Janis — what’s it made of?” “Your mom’s chest hair.”

Scene 7

“Is Butter a Carb?” (The Epstein Island Questions)
A QUESTIONER is reading from unredacted Epstein files. The names are all senior Trump administration officials: the Secretary of Commerce, the Secretary of the Navy, the Deputy Secretary of Defense.

QUESTIONER

By 2008 we knew Epstein was a convicted sexual abuser. We now know that Lutnick went to Epstein’s Island in 2012. How was that not a deal breaker for the president? Why aren’t you asking questions of the Commerce Secretary about what he saw on the island — which he lied about ever going to?

REGINA

(Does not address Lutnick. Does not address the island. Does not address the lie about the island.)
Later, a different QUESTIONER asks about Trump’s own name in the files.

QUESTIONER

Were there underage girls at any party that Trump attended with Jeffrey Epstein?

REGINA

This is SO ridiculous, and they are trying to deflect from all the great things Donald Trump has done. There is no evidence that Donald Trump has committed a crime. Everyone knows that this has been the most transparent presidency. He’s the one who asked that those files be released!
She has called a question about Epstein files “deflection” — deflection from “the great things Donald Trump has done.” She has described the question as ridiculous. She has not answered it. This is the “Why are you so obsessed with me?” defense, deployed against a question about whether the president was at parties with underage trafficking victims.
“The president of the United States says the Epstein thing is a hoax. He blasts his own base for wanting the release of the files. He blamed Barack Obama.”
— An actual member of Congress describing the most transparent presidency in history

Scene 8

“The Limit Does Not Exist” (The Pension Threat)
Between sessions, a hot mic catches voices. The meaning is unmistakable. This is the moment in Heathers where J.D. stops pretending.

VOICE (HOT MIC, between sessions)

Pension. Your retirement. Right. Let’s ruin your life. (A pause.) The sad thing is they’re not even going to get their pension because it’s going to—
The mic cuts. The sentence is never finished. The voices are unidentified — captured on C-SPAN’s live feed between sessions. But the architecture of the threat is visible: someone, in the room where the Attorney General of the United States has just spent hours calling oversight “theatrics,” is talking about destroying the pensions and careers of the people asking questions. This is the note left in the locker. The text sent to the whole school. The thing everyone pretends they didn’t hear.
The Pension Moment
“Pension. Your retirement. Let’s ruin your life.”

— In Mean Girls, the Burn Book gets photocopied and dropped in the hallway and everyone riots. In Congress in 2026, the threats happen on a hot mic during a live C-SPAN broadcast and nobody riots because we’ve seen this movie before and the ending never changes.

Scene 9

“She’s Fabulous But She’s Evil”
Final scene. It has been over four hours. Every question from the minority has been met with one of REGINA’s Seven Approved Deflections:
👑 Regina’s Seven Deflections (The Official Playbook)
1. THE GARLAND: “Merrick Garland sat in this chair twice.” (deployed when asked to take responsibility)
2. THE THREE MILLION: “Three million pages.” (deployed when asked why nothing happened with those pages)
3. THE TRANSPARENCY: “The most transparent presidency in history.” (deployed when transparency is specifically lacking)
4. THE GUTTER: “I’m not going to get in the gutter.” (deployed when asked direct questions by women)
5. THE THEATRICS: “Your theatrics…” (deployed when asked direct questions by anyone)
6. THE PARDON: “He was pardoned by President Trump.” (deployed to explain why someone who screamed “kill him” at police now works at DOJ)
7. THE YOUR DISTRICT: “Let’s talk about crime in YOUR district.” (deployed when asked about anything she’s done)
REGINA gathers her papers. She has answered every question she wanted to answer and none of the ones she didn’t. She has called oversight “theatrics” and accountability “the gutter.” She has accused the questioners of filibustering while being the one who spoke longest. She has described the president who called the Epstein files “a hoax” as “the most transparent in history.” She has sat three feet from trafficking survivors for over four hours without acknowledging their existence.
She stands. She does not turn around.
In Mean Girls, the climax comes when Regina walks into traffic — the thing that’s been coming the whole movie, the bus she didn’t see because she was too busy being the center of her own story. In Heathers, it ends with Veronica taking the bomb away from J.D. and lighting her own cigarette in the wreckage. In the real version — the one that happened yesterday in the Rayburn House Office Building — there is no bus. There is no bomb. There is no climax. REGINA simply walks out of the cafeteria. GRETCHEN gavels the hearing closed. The SURVIVORS stand up, because they have been sitting for over four hours, and they walk out too, in the same direction, through the same door, into the same hallway, and nobody apologizes, and nobody is indicted, and the number is still zero, and school starts again tomorrow.

THE SURVIVORS

(Standing, finally, not dramatically — not theatrically — just because their legs hurt after over four hours:) She never turned around.
— the cafeteria does not close —
That’s why her hair is so big. It’s full of redactions. ✕
Accuracy Note: Every factual claim, every quoted phrase, every rhetorical move, every deflection in this adaptation is drawn directly from the C-SPAN transcript of the House Judiciary Committee hearing of February 11, 2026. The “Secretary / I’m Attorney General / My apologies, I couldn’t tell” exchange is real, reconstructed from auto-transcription that merged the speakers. The seven deflections are cataloged from actual usage. The hot mic pension exchange was captured on C-SPAN’s live feed between sessions, with unidentified speakers. The hearing lasted approximately four and a half hours across two sessions. The number of Epstein co-conspirators indicted after twelve months is zero. The number of computers provided to review three million pages is four. The number of times the Attorney General turned to face the survivors is zero. The Burn Book is fiction. Everything in it is true.